i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
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