Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
it was like eating out sand paper
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
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