I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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