i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
