enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
