Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Randomize
