I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
