Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
