is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
This house was built for laser tag.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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