Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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