As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
