Im at strip club and am horny
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize