my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
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