ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
