Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
