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So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
