The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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