i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Sorry about my life...
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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