I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
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Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
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The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize