dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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