He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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