this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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