All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
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