When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
