So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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