Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
My ATM looks so different sober.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
