tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
