she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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