im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
