Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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