Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
