My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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