i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
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Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
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I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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