I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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