You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
