I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Randomize
