omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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