I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
