I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
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