Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
