he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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