I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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