I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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