He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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