fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
