I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
You made out with two different species that night
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
