he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
