I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Randomize
