not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
