I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Randomize
