I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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