Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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