Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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