so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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