Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
