that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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