matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
