everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
