The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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