Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
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