you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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