Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
